Shannan aka Bex

Today, I feel confused about the women in my life and my relations to them. For the moment, I feel angry, so I don't want to write.

I probably will, but later.

But if I don't, at least I wrote something.

Bah.

I'm off for a bubble bath, Punkin cuddles and to watch Mary and Max.

I've been reflecting on what I was going to say about 2010 since well before it ended. It wasn't a year where I was expecting anything unusual or significant to happen. I had a trajectory and was simply following it, growing it where appropriate. I had a career path I was satisfied with, my relationships were stable and loving, my goals for the future were mapped out with some wiggle room. It was going to be an add-water-and-stir kind of year.

Of course, that's not what happened.

Not to sound melodramatic or anything, but I nearly lost everything. In April my mother was diagnosed with a late Stage III/early Stage IV cancer. In May my spouse gave me an ultimatum that nearly ended our marriage. Over the summer I was diagnosed with some major stomach issues. In the winter I did lose someone I loved and I had the first of what looks like a series of surgeries on my GI system.

The summer was interesting. The wonderful thing about the loosing everything, even the prospect of it, is that you can create anything from it. Were my mother to die and my spouse to leave, I would have gained the freedom to do essentially anything I wanted, anywhere I wanted to do it. I frequently recalled the line in the Johnny Cash song that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Of course, that's not what happened.

My mother is in remission, and my marriage is not only intact, but stronger than when the hulabaloo started. We bought a house in July, which was a dream I have worked really hard towards for longer than I care to admit.

I think 2010 can be best likened to one of those teacup rides for small children. It started out level, everything went hurly-burly and spun around and around and around and around, but then leveled off again and dropped me off safely more-or-less where it had picked me up. A bit dizzy and confused, but safe.

What then for 2011? My prediction is that 2011 will be a year of growth and change. I am mindful that paradoxically, 2010 was supposed to be not that, and was. I'm clear that saying this year will be that may well mean that it is not. If 2010 was the teacup ride then perhaps 2011 will be a house of mirrors.

On the agenda, at least is major growth in the areas of home, career, family. 1) I have big plans for my house, which I love like a person. This mainly involves landscaping the huge, wild, unimproved lot. I need to be nurturing it and growing it into something along with me. What, exactly I don't know. 2) I have come to accept some realities about my career and my relationship to it. I'm exploring some changes and additions to my skill set that will take me in a different direction than anticipated. However, I think it might be a direction that I find truly rewarding and satisfying and really excited about pursuing. 3) A child will be joining my family. That was inelegantly put. I hate the term "starting a family" because Roy and I already are a family. We started a family when we committed our lives to each other. Children are not necessary to validate our family. I also hate the term "having a baby" because it presupposes both that we'll have a genetic child and that I'll bear it. While that's an option, it's not a certainty. But one way or another, we will welcome a child into our home.

One two three GO!