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I feel g-d awful.

It's been five days since I had surgery. The surgeon said it would take about a week to heal. Okay, I'm mindful that five days is not a week.

That being said, yesterday I felt really good. I felt strong. My pain and discomfort was limited to the actual musculature sites of the incisions. I was controlling that pain with over the counter analgesics. Roy and I went out to lunch and walked around a nursery looking at trees. I drove for a bit. I thought today I would go back to work. When I got home, I realized I had overdone it and I took it easy the rest of the day. Today, I woke up later than usual and with a raging headache. It's the kind of headache that feels really depressive. So, of course, I feel depressed. The good news is that I'm not depressed, I just have a headache. I don't really have any surgical pain, I just have this headache, plus a general feeling of malaise, dizziness and disorientated. I can't quite work out why, which is distressing. I don't think it's pain medication. I'm not taking much. I wonder if it's too many analgesics? Whatever the reason, I am taking it really easy today.

I keep recalling a conversation that Roy and I had yesterday about options. He thinks I have them and he doesn't. I don't agree with him, but I've been thinking a lot about his perspective. I kept thinking this morning that if I worked for someone else what would I do. Would i have the option of staying home? I had a lot of conflict. But at one point I was clear if I had a senior partner to answer to, I would still have called in sick. That really validated my decision. I don't like that. It says to me I'm not secure in my own decision making on its own merits. I'm letting it go for now, but it's something to keep in mind for the future.

I'm watching Dr. Who, which I hate. I know y'all out there love it but it makes me want to chew ground glass. I'm watching an all day marathon. Don't judge.

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Shannan aka Bex

January 2011

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