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I feel g-d awful.

It's been five days since I had surgery. The surgeon said it would take about a week to heal. Okay, I'm mindful that five days is not a week.

That being said, yesterday I felt really good. I felt strong. My pain and discomfort was limited to the actual musculature sites of the incisions. I was controlling that pain with over the counter analgesics. Roy and I went out to lunch and walked around a nursery looking at trees. I drove for a bit. I thought today I would go back to work. When I got home, I realized I had overdone it and I took it easy the rest of the day. Today, I woke up later than usual and with a raging headache. It's the kind of headache that feels really depressive. So, of course, I feel depressed. The good news is that I'm not depressed, I just have a headache. I don't really have any surgical pain, I just have this headache, plus a general feeling of malaise, dizziness and disorientated. I can't quite work out why, which is distressing. I don't think it's pain medication. I'm not taking much. I wonder if it's too many analgesics? Whatever the reason, I am taking it really easy today.

I keep recalling a conversation that Roy and I had yesterday about options. He thinks I have them and he doesn't. I don't agree with him, but I've been thinking a lot about his perspective. I kept thinking this morning that if I worked for someone else what would I do. Would i have the option of staying home? I had a lot of conflict. But at one point I was clear if I had a senior partner to answer to, I would still have called in sick. That really validated my decision. I don't like that. It says to me I'm not secure in my own decision making on its own merits. I'm letting it go for now, but it's something to keep in mind for the future.

I'm watching Dr. Who, which I hate. I know y'all out there love it but it makes me want to chew ground glass. I'm watching an all day marathon. Don't judge.
bextopia: (Default)
I've been reflecting on what I was going to say about 2010 since well before it ended. It wasn't a year where I was expecting anything unusual or significant to happen. I had a trajectory and was simply following it, growing it where appropriate. I had a career path I was satisfied with, my relationships were stable and loving, my goals for the future were mapped out with some wiggle room. It was going to be an add-water-and-stir kind of year.

Of course, that's not what happened.

Not to sound melodramatic or anything, but I nearly lost everything. In April my mother was diagnosed with a late Stage III/early Stage IV cancer. In May my spouse gave me an ultimatum that nearly ended our marriage. Over the summer I was diagnosed with some major stomach issues. In the winter I did lose someone I loved and I had the first of what looks like a series of surgeries on my GI system.

The summer was interesting. The wonderful thing about the loosing everything, even the prospect of it, is that you can create anything from it. Were my mother to die and my spouse to leave, I would have gained the freedom to do essentially anything I wanted, anywhere I wanted to do it. I frequently recalled the line in the Johnny Cash song that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Of course, that's not what happened.

My mother is in remission, and my marriage is not only intact, but stronger than when the hulabaloo started. We bought a house in July, which was a dream I have worked really hard towards for longer than I care to admit.

I think 2010 can be best likened to one of those teacup rides for small children. It started out level, everything went hurly-burly and spun around and around and around and around, but then leveled off again and dropped me off safely more-or-less where it had picked me up. A bit dizzy and confused, but safe.

What then for 2011? My prediction is that 2011 will be a year of growth and change. I am mindful that paradoxically, 2010 was supposed to be not that, and was. I'm clear that saying this year will be that may well mean that it is not. If 2010 was the teacup ride then perhaps 2011 will be a house of mirrors.

On the agenda, at least is major growth in the areas of home, career, family. 1) I have big plans for my house, which I love like a person. This mainly involves landscaping the huge, wild, unimproved lot. I need to be nurturing it and growing it into something along with me. What, exactly I don't know. 2) I have come to accept some realities about my career and my relationship to it. I'm exploring some changes and additions to my skill set that will take me in a different direction than anticipated. However, I think it might be a direction that I find truly rewarding and satisfying and really excited about pursuing. 3) A child will be joining my family. That was inelegantly put. I hate the term "starting a family" because Roy and I already are a family. We started a family when we committed our lives to each other. Children are not necessary to validate our family. I also hate the term "having a baby" because it presupposes both that we'll have a genetic child and that I'll bear it. While that's an option, it's not a certainty. But one way or another, we will welcome a child into our home.

One two three GO!


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Shannan aka Bex

January 2011

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